Author Archives: a deep young lady in a big world

About a deep young lady in a big world

A 'spur-of-the-moment' hobby writer with a knack for guns & scientific research 🔫🔬📚✏



Stand your ground amidst the crowd.

Have you ever, once in your life, came face-to-face with the ‘Dragon Lady’ from ‘The Devil Wears Prada’?

Or maybe had a brawl with ‘The Mountain’ because you tried messing with Cersei the ‘Incest Queen Mother’ of House Lannister?!

Well trust me, if you hadn’t already, and you’re a 20 something year old currently trying on the shoes of a ‘Grown-Up’ — yet steadily failing—your paths will definitely cross!

But how can one tell which one from your group is the toxic one? Well, worry not because these individuals stand out like a peacock from a haystack! It’s much better to use ‘code names’ though so to top the list we have: ‘Sir-Frown-A-Lot,’ ‘Ma’am-Touch-ME-Not,’ ‘Miss-NEVER-screw-up,’ “Mr.-Kiss-The-Boss’-Ass,” or my personal favorite ‘Missus-Blame-YOU-Lots!’

I don’t know if it’s a universal law or a company protocol to always maintain a ‘hundred and fifty percent’ (150%) tolerance on toxic people. Sometimes I think multi-billion dollar businesses even hire individuals to fill this role of ‘intoxicating’ their workers.

Maybe it helps ensure that their people stay focused on achieving company goals so profits will be met with ease!
OR maybe they just get off at seeing their employees scared to death… what?! It’s a possibility! (Especially with what this world is becoming!)

We have to be careful with these types of people because they are no joke. Their brutal words can leave a permanent emotional scar, and if not handled very carefully then the viral infection of ‘stress’ that these people emit can and will choke us to death.

So, without further a due, this is how you should be around toxic workmates 101:

1. Always respond with a SMILE!
Etched on the faces of these glorified individuals are permanent frowns, so I suggest that even if it is hard to do (especially on a Monday morning pre-ridicule session) with them at the receiving-end, DO IT!


Why you ask? Because if you plaster your smiling face for the duration of his or her tirade then it will look like you don’t give a rat’s ass on whatever agenda he or she is spewing.

2. Never allow yourself to be affected by their words!
Never and I MEAN NEVER let their words disturb you. When you are speaking with them try imagining pretty flower blossoms, or cute little puppies. Let their words fall onto deaf ears. Because trust me, for the duration of your talk they are likely only saying meaningless statements regarding an incident that you have already taken care of.

Most of the time, they will talk to you only to spite you. Well, HA-HA to them and WHOOHOO to you!

3. Stay away at all costs!
I highly insist that you deliberately follow this 3rd rule. If you want to survive and have a prolonged employment status in whatever company you’re in, then this is the one advise you clearly need to follow.

You can take a different route on your way to the pantry; you can take the stairs instead of the elevator (good luck for the ones in the 30th floor though); you can march the 20 blocks it would take in order to get to the infrequently used comfort room; or you can take the earliest shift that sane people wouldn’t!

Do what you have to do! I don’t care as long as you have less interactions with the toxic one, the better!

4. Befriend them (?)
Although this seems to be the lesser of evils, it also is the most grueling task you could ever try to accomplish.

Just imagine befriending ‘Janice’ from FRIENDS! Or having forever sarcastic and emotionally retarded Sheldon Lee Cooper, Ph.D., Sc D. from The BigBang over at your place for some coffee. IT’s annoying, will definitely take a toll on you physically and mentally, and will probably scar you for life.

But the better analogy here though, trying to overpower the dark side from Supreme Leader Snoke’s skeleton-of-a-heart so he may stop rebuilding impracticable devises meant for planetary destruction, because let’s face it, whatever Order they are, they always loose to old metal scrap flying majiggies.

‘Fingers-crossed’ that the dark side will not ultimately devour you also. Hopefully, you can pull this toxic Snoke- ehrm workmate into the light with you.

Well, you can’t say you didn’t see this one coming though.

I always believed that we people are similar to seeds. As such, in order to bloom beautifully, we need to be exposed to Tender, Love and Care.

First and foremost, as a seed, we need to have a nutritious soil. A soil that contains the right amount of vitamins and minerals that a seedling needs in order to grow and bear fruit.

The soil in this part pertains to the environment we are exposed in. If the seed is encompassed by contaminated soil, then it will also eventually cease to exist.

The same principle is seen with people. If we allow ourselves to be surrounded by toxic individuals full of negativity, eventually, they can talk us out of our dreams. These wrong folks can pull us down the abyss of darkness and self-pity if not handled correctly.

So, regrettably, even if you have a job that satisfies you yet pessimistic and narcissistic co-workers surround you, then you won’t have an opportunity to grow or to become the person God created you to be. The only way to avoid this is to get yourself planted in another soil far away where contamination won’t reach you!

In other words, GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!

Save yourself. Buy yourself time.

Search for a greener pasture where the sheep are plenty and weeds are none.





You know what makes my hackles rise to a fiery notch?

Wet socks.

They are unbelievably uncomfortable and evidently a source of hypothermic death to all wistful Everest hikers.

But what is worse than these squelchy and distasteful objects?

Egoistic ‘know-it-all’ bastards who love spewing out their opinions in formally written English posts, using spiteful tones and words obviously meant to start a fight with the other side. Then, when the opponents do start to invalidate these nincompoops – and rather well and boldly at that– the latter would team up and use their bragging rights for being part of a prestigious institution to call the former people ‘uneducated’ and ‘deluded’ individuals.

These pompous asses would not give a damn if your statements contain concrete evidences; No.

As long as they have clashing views and opinions as you, even if you are in the right, they will continue to verbally assault you.

Society, I believe, is one to blame for this.


Because these stuck up jerks wouldn’t even be this way if people did not patronize such insulting behaviors just because they came from an esteemed establishment.


You see, the cold hard truth of the matter is: even if an individual is more intelligent, more sensible and more empathetic than those bastards, as long as he or she did not come from that same institution, his or her say on whatever subject will never be deemed significant.

Because in this time and age, people no longer look at anyone as an individual and independent human being; rather, the basis of one’s stand in this country is centered on the institution one graduated from.

Now, I don’t hold grudges on everyone who came from such wealthy and proud establishments because even I respect them. But I draw the line for those jerks who are so full of themselves that they do not – for a second- pause and ponder whether or not what the opposing side has said made much more sense than theirs.

I mean, how big are their egos? Is it too humongous as to make them blind to see and understand the intellect of the other side? Is it too wide out that their common sense and sensitivity no longer has a place in their prodigious minds?

The funny thing here is, believe it or not, these pretentious beings are even the loud ones always crying out for justice and for freedom of speech, yet they are the ones who abuse such rights.


They have all the favor from the judicial system and even society because well, they came from such well-known foundations. So try as one might to stop the atrocious biasness in terms of employment and speaking out one’s perspective in a particular subject matter, just one call of ‘unfairness’ from these lot and they’d have the attention and side of the whole country.

Freedom of speech?

They have the upper-hand in the social media and in whatever platform exists. They disrespect all the authorities as much as they can, and when this portion of the population starts to fight back – and admittedly so, when these groups retaliate, well, it would give the most courageous of knights a run for their money—they are called out as ‘retards’ and ‘dogs’ of the side that they are fighting for.

I was not informed that the two aforementioned rights were exclusive only to such prestigious circles.

You know, if I was as ill-conceived as these narcissistic lot, I would have dropped names and even tagged them on this post. But seeing as I value both the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) and the Emotional Quotient (EQ), I would stick only to making them feel what it is like to be part of the other side of the fence.

How would they react when they’re the ones being attacked and called out as ‘uneducated’ and ‘dogs.’

They don’t deserve to feel like victims whenever there are these ‘opinion wars’ per se, because the mockery that they think they are receiving is nothing compared to what they make the other side feel.

To think that we look towards these people with respect and even going as far as to try and understand where they are coming from; only to be treated like garbage.

I was raised to respect the opinions of other people and not to call them out on it; I was taught to listen; I was taught to choose my battles wisely. And I think that kind of foundation is much more important than stocking up the scholastic content of my brain.

For character is the greatest foundation of success.

With this, I hope that these types of people change their ways.

With this, I hope these people would be more open-minded as to consider that maybe, they can also be on the wrong.

With this, I hope that one of these days, society would also broaden their minds that, the best of the best do not only come from such established institutions.

Sometimes, the evergreens bloom before the season comes to a start.

Rants of a kid in a Grown-up’s world









A word which offers a frightening concept to explore, because sometimes, you don’t know whose to choose and how to go about them.

Should you follow the path your parents chose for you because you respect them and love them too much to become a disappointment?

Or should you follow what your heart and your gut tells you to because it’s what you want to do?

Growing-up is such a taxing job, why did I even ask for this?

My battle to win


Do you see the broken girl?

She’s been here even before you all came for a greet.

I tried to invalidate her existence by never paying any attention, but that was the greatest mistake.

You see, this girl, she’s wounded and very badly bruised. I tried curing her with a cloth to mask the imperfections up. I covered her existence with a mask or perfection. 

With a mask of pure strength and happiness that took everyone’s attention away from what truly lies beneath. 

However, the wounds began getting worse as time went by. They have been contaminated, infected because I have not truly cured them. 

Because, I thought, maybe if I did not pay it any heed it would vanish without a trace. I thought I can revamp myself again, you know?

Unknowingly though, it began to spread like a disease. It started with my heart and ran all the way up towards my brain. 

Sometimes, it would take away my desire to speak. It became too great that I wanted to isolate myself even when I’m with my friends.

But you know what helps? The knowledge that He’s there. I know that God is fighting my battles for me, and with this, I start healing.

Although there are still times, more often than not, that my vulnerability foreshows; and like a lion hunting the weakest, I still suffer.

But, what truly is my purpose of writing this? 

One thing is certain though: I want to stop being afraid of opening up. I want to stop being humiliated for having this cloak of sadness enveloping me and having me flow into this abyss of seemingly eternal darkness.

I want someone to know.

I want someone to try to understand that what I have on is a mask. 

I want someone to take it off and see the raw emotions clawing and choking me.

I am so tired of being the listener, because there are lots of times that I want to be listened to too. And I want you to know that I am not doing this for the attention of anyone, I actually hate being a burden. But as I have said, I just wanted to let it out. 

I have been housing these things for so long, I tried implying it but nobody believed me since my mask was too good.

But now, I have put it out there. 

I will strive to heal that broken girl. 

I will strive to love her and accept that she is a part of me. I will take whatever risk necessary to fix her… and I will face my demons amd overcome them.

To the guy who let me walk away…


     So you know who you are, you know what happened, and you also know what did not.


     There was once a time when we could have had a fighting chance you know. And there are thousands of ‘what ifs’ circling in my mind right now. I kept on playing all the possible clues that we have thrown each other back and forth for how long, and only now can I see the most obvious ones…

     How you always made fun of me or with me; how you kept on telling everyone that we have a thing for each other; how you told everyone that we were together; how you would crack jokes and say nice things when I’m on my ‘bitch rampage’; how you always finish our reports in time; how you began inserting small innuendos in our chats; and just- basically all the simple acts of kindness that never failed to make my heart flutter.

     And that beautifully tragic confession was the key that opened my mind to think back on every single reaction I had with your ‘sweet nothings’.

     Contrary to popular belief, I never got angry with your teasing, I actually adored them. I loved every moment I had your attention; it made me feel like the most important girl in that room.

     You got through my ‘bitch mode’  thanks to your jokes. Your jokes – even if most of them were directed at me or my friends – brought color to my black & white collage of the college world around me. I treasured them because you amazed me with your wit!

     Your sudden ‘I love you guys’ chats, in my mind I crossed out the last word. Your ‘I miss you’ chats and texts, I just gave you HAHAs in return because I didn’t know how to tell you ‘I do too’ so fucking bad! It came to the point that every break, I would wait anxiously for your name to pop up on my screen even if it was just a mid-Holiday project. I don’t know why but I felt pathetically special every time.

     But one message that I will never forget and for a long time regret would be the time when you told me that you guys ‘broke up’.

     I hate myself that night because the first emotion I had was elation. I was actually happy you got your heart broken. My heart started to beat enthusiastically once more, but of course, my mind just has to have a bigger logical area inside it and smaller emotional one. I was about to jump the gun, but you added that freaking sad emoji and implied your pain, so of course, being the one who never wanted you to feel that emotion ever again, I decided to throw the gun in a very deep well, crush whatever is left of my heart, and give you a ‘have you thought your decision through’  kind of speech. I advised you to rethink your decision because you guys were happy together (from my viewpoint). You don’t know how badly I just wanted to thump my head against the wall that time.

     And so, when break ended, so did yours. 

     Whenever you directed your crazy-ass smiles at me, I would laugh and immediately tell you off because I might stare long and you might realize how much of an effect you had on me. I could not hold your stares for too long (remember that staring contest we played?) because I’m terrified of what you would read in my own. I was scared because I know you already had my friend’s heart (even if you gave it back to her) and I also knew you gave it back because you had a much more special someone for you. I was so scared because I did not want to have mine trampled on all over again like what it’s been through in the past.  

     So, I kept all these unnecessary feelings bottled up, and tried to throw it towards a black hole. But, as you can see, I wasn’t really successful. If I were, we wouldn’t be in this kind of dilemma.

     All our sweet-nothings, and small moments, they were all so beautiful. I’m not a firm believer of ‘past lives’ and ‘reincarnations’ but you struck a chord in me that reverberated a sound so achingly familiar that I had to question myself hundreds of times, have we met before? And if we had, what happened? Did we finally get what we wanted? Was there even a lifetime that we ended up together?

     I hope there was. I hope we at least had a glimpse of happily ever after even once in the lives that the universe graciously gave us.

     I tried conjuring up a million reasons why we didn’t work out; why we let each other down; and why we had to resort to what we did: nip the bud before it has time to grow and overwhelm us both.

    There are about 7 billion people in this world, and the one I had to choose to pour out my feelings to, it just has to be the one guy who can never be mine. 

     Why does the world seem so cruel? Why are there people around me – some older, mostly younger – who already found their perfect match? What act of kindness did they show in their past lives to get what they have today? 

     But even if I repeatedly questioned the universe, I know I would never find the true reason that would be believable enough for me…at least for right now. 

     Society led me to believe that we people are a lot like geometrical lines. We own our own line, and there will come a time that we will intersect with other people- either for a brief period or a longer one if the Creator gave us similar slope values. There are also ones who are forever parallel with each other. Always so close to touching, but lacking the power to traverse that distance all the while. 

     I for one believe that we are parallel lines. So you can understand, that even if we tried so hard to cross the distance and be united, due to a natural law that is much bigger than both of us, we could never make it.

     Maybe, we were parallel lines that almost got close. Maybe, we even unknowingly found a way to abolish that law and intersect with each other. Maybe, the universe had let us close that distance so we could learn and we could reassess and fix ourselves all on our own ~ so we can go back to the parallel lines that we once were and forever will be.

     There are too many possibilities that are tempting to think of…but they would only prolong the agony.

     I’m sorry for each of these possibilities that I never had the courage to act on.

     I’m sorry for what we have to endure.

     I’m sorry because I didn’t listen to that small voice that seem to always say ‘he likes you; he loves you’. 

     I’m sorry because now, we might never see our own beautiful happily ever-after.

     I’m sorry because after confessing our deepest and most tragic secrets, we have to push them aside once again.

     I’m sorry, because when I told you I’d put you in my blog and insinuated it as the first time I’d do it, I lied. Because in every story and every heart-felt article, you were always there. You were always in-between the lines. Your presence is strategically woven in my words…but these articles, they never saw past the ‘blog posts’ section on my application. I’m sorry because I never had the courage to publish them.

     I’m sorry for the act of cowardice, on both our parts that I tried to blame you for, that cost us to end our magnificent story right from the beginning.

     I’m sorry because we can never be a normal couple. We tasted forever in a moment, but we will endure on the absence of one another forever.

     So, this is my good-bye. 

     This is the time I finally stay true to my words that I would- I will ‘move on’.  This time, I will let go. 

     Here’s to you, the guy that can be but never will be, thank you.

     Thank you for evoking and awakening these feelings inside me. You made me realize that I can be loved too. Even if what we had was only a fleeting moment of happiness, it was enough to make me feel special; to make me feel what it’s like to be treasured and seen as someone more than a friend.

     Thank you for allowing me a moment to finally break down my walls and bare myself open to you. 

     Thank you for reading the contents of my soul. 

     Thank you for a glimpse of a love that consumes.

     Thank you for the requited love that I will forever cherish but always regret. 

     And here’s to us: may we find a love at the right place, at the right time, and with the right person.







     PS: I think you already have. Cherish her. 

With love,

Your ‘TOTGA’