Author Archives: a deep young lady in a big world

About a deep young lady in a big world

The FORCE has always been strong in my family.

Entry #1 12/04/17

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You know what the scariest part about myself is?

I’m not afraid to die.

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My battle to win

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Do you see the broken girl?

She’s been here even before you all came for a greet.

I tried to invalidate her existence by never paying any attention, but that was the greatest mistake.

You see, this girl, she’s wounded and very badly bruised. I tried curing her with a cloth to mask the imperfections up. I covered her existence with a mask or perfection. 

With a mask of pure strength and happiness that took everyone’s attention away from what truly lies beneath. 

However, the wounds began getting worse as time went by. They have been contaminated, infected because I have not truly cured them. 

Because, I thought, maybe if I did not pay it any heed it would vanish without a trace. I thought I can revamp myself again, you know?

Unknowingly though, it began to spread like a disease. It started with my heart and ran all the way up towards my brain. 

Sometimes, it would take away my desire to speak. It became too great that I wanted to isolate myself even when I’m with my friends.

But you know what helps? The knowledge that He’s there. I know that God is fighting my battles for me, and with this, I start healing.

Although there are still times, more often than not, that my vulnerability foreshows; and like a lion hunting the weakest, I still suffer.

But, what truly is my purpose of writing this? 

One thing is certain though: I want to stop being afraid of opening up. I want to stop being humiliated for having this cloak of sadness enveloping me and having me flow into this abyss of seemingly eternal darkness.

I want someone to know.

I want someone to try to understand that what I have on is a mask. 

I want someone to take it off and see the raw emotions clawing and choking me.

I am so tired of being the listener, because there are lots of times that I want to be listened to too. And I want you to know that I am not doing this for the attention of anyone, I actually hate being a burden. But as I have said, I just wanted to let it out. 

I have been housing these things for so long, I tried implying it but nobody believed me since my mask was too good.

But now, I have put it out there. 

I will strive to heal that broken girl. 

I will strive to love her and accept that she is a part of me. I will take whatever risk necessary to fix her… and I will face my demons amd overcome them.

To the guy who let me walk away…

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     So you know who you are, you know what happened, and you also know what did not.

     

     There was once a time when we could have had a fighting chance you know. And there are thousands of ‘what ifs’ circling in my mind right now. I kept on playing all the possible clues that we have thrown each other back and forth for how long, and only now can I see the most obvious ones…

     How you always made fun of me or with me; how you kept on telling everyone that we have a thing for each other; how you told everyone that we were together; how you would crack jokes and say nice things when I’m on my ‘bitch rampage’; how you always finish our reports in time; how you began inserting small innuendos in our chats; and just- basically all the simple acts of kindness that never failed to make my heart flutter.

     And that beautifully tragic confession was the key that opened my mind to think back on every single reaction I had with your ‘sweet nothings’.

     Contrary to popular belief, I never got angry with your teasing, I actually adored them. I loved every moment I had your attention; it made me feel like the most important girl in that room.

     You got through my ‘bitch mode’  thanks to your jokes. Your jokes – even if most of them were directed at me or my friends – brought color to my black & white collage of the college world around me. I treasured them because you amazed me with your wit!

     Your sudden ‘I love you guys’ chats, in my mind I crossed out the last word. Your ‘I miss you’ chats and texts, I just gave you HAHAs in return because I didn’t know how to tell you ‘I do too’ so fucking bad! It came to the point that every break, I would wait anxiously for your name to pop up on my screen even if it was just a mid-Holiday project. I don’t know why but I felt pathetically special every time.

     But one message that I will never forget and for a long time regret would be the time when you told me that you guys ‘broke up’.

     I hate myself that night because the first emotion I had was elation. I was actually happy you got your heart broken. My heart started to beat enthusiastically once more, but of course, my mind just has to have a bigger logical area inside it and smaller emotional one. I was about to jump the gun, but you added that freaking sad emoji and implied your pain, so of course, being the one who never wanted you to feel that emotion ever again, I decided to throw the gun in a very deep well, crush whatever is left of my heart, and give you a ‘have you thought your decision through’  kind of speech. I advised you to rethink your decision because you guys were happy together (from my viewpoint). You don’t know how badly I just wanted to thump my head against the wall that time.

     And so, when break ended, so did yours. 

     Whenever you directed your crazy-ass smiles at me, I would laugh and immediately tell you off because I might stare long and you might realize how much of an effect you had on me. I could not hold your stares for too long (remember that staring contest we played?) because I’m terrified of what you would read in my own. I was scared because I know you already had my friend’s heart (even if you gave it back to her) and I also knew you gave it back because you had a much more special someone for you. I was so scared because I did not want to have mine trampled on all over again like what it’s been through in the past.  

     So, I kept all these unnecessary feelings bottled up, and tried to throw it towards a black hole. But, as you can see, I wasn’t really successful. If I were, we wouldn’t be in this kind of dilemma.

     All our sweet-nothings, and small moments, they were all so beautiful. I’m not a firm believer of ‘past lives’ and ‘reincarnations’ but you struck a chord in me that reverberated a sound so achingly familiar that I had to question myself hundreds of times, have we met before? And if we had, what happened? Did we finally get what we wanted? Was there even a lifetime that we ended up together?

     I hope there was. I hope we at least had a glimpse of happily ever after even once in the lives that the universe graciously gave us.

     I tried conjuring up a million reasons why we didn’t work out; why we let each other down; and why we had to resort to what we did: nip the bud before it has time to grow and overwhelm us both.

    There are about 7 billion people in this world, and the one I had to choose to pour out my feelings to, it just has to be the one guy who can never be mine. 

     Why does the world seem so cruel? Why are there people around me – some older, mostly younger – who already found their perfect match? What act of kindness did they show in their past lives to get what they have today? 

     But even if I repeatedly questioned the universe, I know I would never find the true reason that would be believable enough for me…at least for right now. 

     Society led me to believe that we people are a lot like geometrical lines. We own our own line, and there will come a time that we will intersect with other people- either for a brief period or a longer one if the Creator gave us similar slope values. There are also ones who are forever parallel with each other. Always so close to touching, but lacking the power to traverse that distance all the while. 

     I for one believe that we are parallel lines. So you can understand, that even if we tried so hard to cross the distance and be united, due to a natural law that is much bigger than both of us, we could never make it.

     Maybe, we were parallel lines that almost got close. Maybe, we even unknowingly found a way to abolish that law and intersect with each other. Maybe, the universe had let us close that distance so we could learn and we could reassess and fix ourselves all on our own ~ so we can go back to the parallel lines that we once were and forever will be.

     There are too many possibilities that are tempting to think of…but they would only prolong the agony.

     I’m sorry for each of these possibilities that I never had the courage to act on.

     I’m sorry for what we have to endure.

     I’m sorry because I didn’t listen to that small voice that seem to always say ‘he likes you; he loves you’. 

     I’m sorry because now, we might never see our own beautiful happily ever-after.

     I’m sorry because after confessing our deepest and most tragic secrets, we have to push them aside once again.

     I’m sorry, because when I told you I’d put you in my blog and insinuated it as the first time I’d do it, I lied. Because in every story and every heart-felt article, you were always there. You were always in-between the lines. Your presence is strategically woven in my words…but these articles, they never saw past the ‘blog posts’ section on my application. I’m sorry because I never had the courage to publish them.

     I’m sorry for the act of cowardice, on both our parts that I tried to blame you for, that cost us to end our magnificent story right from the beginning.

     I’m sorry because we can never be a normal couple. We tasted forever in a moment, but we will endure on the absence of one another forever.

     So, this is my good-bye. 

     This is the time I finally stay true to my words that I would- I will ‘move on’.  This time, I will let go. 

     Here’s to you, the guy that can be but never will be, thank you.

     Thank you for evoking and awakening these feelings inside me. You made me realize that I can be loved too. Even if what we had was only a fleeting moment of happiness, it was enough to make me feel special; to make me feel what it’s like to be treasured and seen as someone more than a friend.

     Thank you for allowing me a moment to finally break down my walls and bare myself open to you. 

     Thank you for reading the contents of my soul. 

     Thank you for a glimpse of a love that consumes.

     Thank you for the requited love that I will forever cherish but always regret. 

     And here’s to us: may we find a love at the right place, at the right time, and with the right person.

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     PS: I think you already have. Cherish her. 

With love,

Your ‘TOTGA’ 

The Waiting Game

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I prided myself on the fact that I can get through any situation unscathed with my unique way with words. 

I always counted on my wit… I always thought it would never fail me.

Oh but alas, how the mighty have fallen. I finally, finally found my match. 

I once  envisioned this scenario to be a bit overly dramatic~ like in a life or death situation~ so imagine my own surprise and fascination that the unthinkable happened with a mere confession and tear-streaked face of the boy that once was, but never again will be.

I never thought my mind would stop it’s automatic and intricate weaving of my beautiful vocabulary~ which can make the mighty knights kneel in defeat. But  then you came along and brought with you waves of anguish and self doubt that I never imagined to witness in this lifetime.

We were tossing the blame back and forth, when really, we were both at the wrong. We each had our own shortcomings, and even if I  hate to admit it, this ~ whatever this is~ can never be permeated to fluorish.

I never meant to bring you pain!  Please believe me when I say that in all the ways I imagined this blatant show of weakness (and perhaps love?) to happen, never did it involve tears of grief. 

But, maybe, that is just how the universe tells us that it is not yet ready for our kind of love.

Maybe, we will get our own time. 

Maybe, we can have our own sort of happy ending someday…just not today.

I’m sorry for never giving us a chance from the beginning. I was scared; I was a coward who tried to get over these feelings by shoving them in the deepest and darkest corner of my mind. And I never once thought that it can escape that dungeon and come crashing down on me in the least way expected.

But, now that all these feelings are out there, I do have some hope that we would get our own beautiful story in this lifetime.

I can wait…it’s all I’ve been doing lately. 

A Cold Night Comes yet I Strive

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​   The dark clouds are coming to swallow me up again, and this time I know how to stop it, I just don’t know if I want to.
   I feel like there’s a constant trail of ‘tiredness’ that’s choking me up and making me restless.
   Then, there’s this anger bubbling up from inside me; it fills up this void until it brims and then, then it’s threatening to burst and destroy my shell.
   It’s mood swings right? That’s the constant echo in my head. This feeling of inadequacy is just a phase, it will go away soon…right?
   That’s what I was hoping for, at least.
   Have you ever felt like you are at a standstill in life? Like one day you’re this honor-driven woman out for perfection, and then the next you’re just, kind of there…merely existing for the heck of it.
   Right now I’m at that point in my life. Like an author struggling with a writer’s block, I don’t know how the story line of my main character should go. I am at a standstill in a crossroad.
   And although I know that I can consult with other writers as well or do some reading in order to get some sort of inspiration to continue my work, I just… I can’t seem to find the strength and courage to do so right now. 
   It’s like my hands that I have relied upon for so many years to pick up my pen and my papers, or to type away with my laptop…they too grew tired and weary ~ either of over-usage or disuse nowadays.
   Some days I feel like bawling over and over again in my bed…some nights I feel like no one really cares and no one would care of what will happen. They say they do, but really, all they care about is how they would respond so people around them can see their vulnerability. And this vulnerability makes  their hold on other people surrounding them strong and true.
   Someone once read my story and asked me, with an irksome and incredulous facade (like she swallowed a very bad tasting drink), then what the heck do you want to happen? It’s like she questioned my whole belief system. She has her own opinions in life and I didn’t even make her read my own story but she was quick to judge me and deduce me like my brain was in the wrong somehow. 
   Is it wrong to live a life built on what I hold dear and true? Is it wrong to write my own life based on my belief system?
   That act of questioning I guess, was what pulled the final post that once kept my immaculate and impeccable empire of self-appreciation and self-respect to crumble.
   That simple question led to a domino effect. I grew tired and weary of people coming to question my ideologies. Why do some people not have a filter between their brains and their mouths?
   I kept on telling everyone around me not to let the opinion of other people shape their own version of themselves, but here I am, throwing that advice away being a complete hypocrite.
   But, I still hold my ideologies and what makes myself whole intact…but I guess the anger and the betrayal overpowered my sense of judgement. These two strong emotions carved too deep in my own dark abyss, allowing them to stay rooted in my own mind. And until the day I manage to uproot them comes, I will keep on questioning myself which direction I must command my feet to take. Unless I find a way to uproot them, my hands are tied and my brain is enclosed in a jail of my own creation.

   I have to overcome this…I can, I must, I will.

FAMILY

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I think, nowadays, the type of FAMILY that stays together against all odds is already considered a ‘rare’ occurance.
And the people with such a strong familial bond should consider themselves blessed.
I for one consider myself to be one of the blessed ones…the ‘chosen’ few gifted with such a favor. Why?
Since I was a kid, my parents embedded in me the lesson: family is family. There will be no questions, when a part of that family is in need, one should do anything in his or her power to lend a helping hand and lighten the burden of the relative.
And i am very thankful for this early lesson, bec the tribulations trying to sway some of my loved ones off their feet? Yep, those are nothing compared to the love and support and foundation of our family.
That is the secret, i suppose, to having a happy family.
Threaten one? I’m sorry, you’ll just wet your pants.
Belittle one? Oh, okay, we have back up much greater than the power money can buy…
BULLY one? Are you sure? Get ready bec all your secrets will be revealed. But don’t worry, we won’t gossip it, we’ll just make inside jokes abt you that will literalize the saying ‘cry like a river’.