Have you ever felt like you are at a standstill in this game of life that you play?
Yeah? Me too. I feel like I am a single strand of hair…never knowing when I would suddenly get cut or even fall down. What I do, I hold on tight in fear of losing myself to the raking hands of my person.
However, that is also the problem, I know I should have a sense of fear as to what looms ahead of my short and wilting days, but there is actually nothing. It is like I am at peace but I do not even know why, you know; I just always have a calm and lulling sensation in the very core of my very being. Frankly, I just do not feel anything.
I know they say that there is always calmness before the horrible storm, but once again, I just do not have anything to say to that because I absolutely feel nothing at all. I mean, I am a human yes, but I guess I have been so good at hiding what I really feel that it came to the point where even I myself cannot decipher who I really am on the inside. I cannot even summon the strength to feel frustrated at myself. Well, I guess that is just a part of growing up.
How do I put this…I feel like I am a child left alone to discover and mature in my own way. Perhaps I am, but I also do not want it to be that way. So what do I do? I reach out…I keep on reaching and maybe even crawling so I can maybe find my parents or maybe even a guardian and tell him that I cannot do this alone. I mean I know I have to be independent so I can have a time for some self discovery and maturation but I think, I am not ready yet.
It is too soon for me…still too soon. I have the wisdom and the knowledge to do so, but I lack still. I know that I should have faith in God that He will deliver me and will see me come to be, it is just that…I do not know if I am ready. I do not know if I will ever be ready to embark on this journey of self discovery and of seeking knowledge alone. How can I do that when I barely even know what I do want, let alone what I really feel?
I guess, in order to understand myself, I need to widen and deepen my understanding first of who God created me to be.
I do not want this vulnerability from the unknown…I want certainty, even if it seems like like a strand of hair, my life will easily wither away and fall into sudden displacement anytime.