It feels like I’m drowning in a plethora of emotions, the ones you can get while riding a roller coaster full of 360 degree turns and vast amount of ups and downs in between. The only problem, it never seems to come to a stop and it tires me out. It exhausts me, until inevitably my will and my nerves would just burst from all the adrenaline rush and most probably suck the life out of me.
I long for a shade of gray. I need a break from all the yes and the nos; a breath of fresh air because it is very tiring to try to live a life full of engagements which later on would become full of solitude. It is very hard to live a life where there is only two possible answers to every problem. I guess, I want a maybe in my life, I can even do an ‘I suppose’, I need an inconsistency.
The logical part of me says that my life is indeed a track of inconsistencies, but my emotional state would not accept facts and probabilities, it wants to dive in the realm of ‘what ifs’. Right now I want to know what it’s like to actually be in the middle and experience the middle neutral portion of my life’s blacks and whites.
I would like to use John Green’s analogy that there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.This is the beauty of inconsistency. This is the wonders of in-betweens, life’s actual what ifs.
But the problem is that the choices that we have today already scratches off the possibility of attaining that ‘in between’ that ‘inconsistency’!
The possibility of living a whole new life and being in the line that separated right and left, the barrier that separates the church and science. The shade of something new and something other than black and white! Why is it so hard to get a glimpse and taste from this extraordinary existence?
Simple, as there is a beauty in inconsistency, there is also an exquisite quality in ambiguity. One doubts whether he or she will ever get the ‘in between’ or the precise shades of black and white. No one ever knows what will happen, as clairvoyance is all but a myth, and it lacks scientific evidence to say otherwise.
No matter how hard we strive to have things go our way, if it is not meant to be then it will never come into existence. The flaw in determination- in my determination – I tend to limit my reality to the outcome that I want to have. All I have are blacks and whites, so it is very hard to reign my emotions because of the unrelenting turns and dips of this roller coaster ride I call my life.
From my own perspective, the only constant thing in my life is the inevitability of not having my desired results because of the way how all dreams tend to ran like sands through the fists that I make.
I guess, this is the fueling mystery of life, how the mechanics of a human’s way of survival destroys the norms that the scientific community has set up.