Monthly Archives: December 2014

Do you have a boyfriend?

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Do you have a boyfriend?

That’s the constant question going on about the daily life of a teenager…more specifically, a teenaged girl! Especially now that I just turned 18! (yehey me!)

People expect me to say yes and then blurt out a random name of a dude. Well, I am tempted to do just that, just to spite people and society! Okay So I don’t have a boyfriend- never had but someday will! 😉 It just has not occurred to me yet that I need to have one. I mean, sure it’d be wonderful to have someone constantly check on me- the sweet text messages and random calls and spontaneous date nights! But why would I bother do that with a stranger when I can do that with my family? That way I won’t even have to think about doing my hair, taking selfies for #OTDs and the whatnots that other girls are crazy about. I guess, what I’m really trying to say is…it’s not yet the right time, besides, I believe in the saying, “save the best for last!”

It’s better to have a boyfriend when we’re both successful in our chosen careers or even just on the brink of stability. I’m still embracing my independence and I currently don’t want a distraction in my life as my priorities are set on attaining my license as a registered pharmacist and that promising M.D. at the end of my name!

Some people would ask me…aren’t you lonely? I try to ponder on that thought and the answer is always the same…who isn’t really lonely in this world? I have my friends, I have my families and I have God, if I feel lonely I can just talk to them instead! Therefore, there wuld be less of a heartbreak for me. Also, frankly, teenagers are just so full of themselves nowadays and are always looking fr something new and something fun. If I’m gonna spend my feelings and attention to someone other than my chosen people or loved ones, I’d rather spend it on a guy who will not treat me as just a ‘passing phase.’ I prefer not to waste my emotions on a douchebag that’s why I want to be ready and wait for that special someone who will treat me like the princess– queen even— that I know I am worth.

So, I don’t have a boyfriend and would probably only have one after I lived God’s promise of VICTORY in my chosen field of practice.

Live.Laugh.Love…do these things first for yourself before you go on and sacrifice your time and effort for your ‘so-called’ loved one!

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Still too soon…

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Have you ever felt like you are at a standstill in this game of life that you play?

Yeah? Me too. I feel like I am a single strand of hair…never knowing when I would suddenly get cut or even fall down. What I do, I hold on tight in fear of losing myself to the raking hands of my person.

However, that is also the problem, I know I should have a sense of fear as to what looms ahead of my short and wilting days, but there is actually nothing. It is like I am at peace but I do not even know why, you know; I just always have a calm and lulling sensation in the very core of my very being. Frankly, I just do not feel anything.

I know they say that there is always calmness before the horrible storm, but once again, I just do not have anything to say to that because I absolutely feel nothing at all. I mean, I am a human yes, but I guess I have been so good at hiding what I really feel that it came to the point where even I myself cannot decipher who I really am on the inside. I cannot even summon the strength to feel frustrated at myself. Well, I guess that is just a part of growing up.

How do I put this…I feel like I am a child left alone to discover and mature in my own way. Perhaps I am, but I also do not want it to be that way. So what do I do? I reach out…I keep on reaching and maybe even crawling so I can maybe find my parents or maybe even a guardian and tell him that I cannot do this alone. I mean I know I have to be independent so I can have a time for some self discovery and maturation but I think, I am not ready yet.

It is too soon for me…still too soon. I have the wisdom and the knowledge to do so, but I lack still. I know that I should have faith in God that He will deliver me and will see me come to be, it is just that…I do not know if I am ready. I do not know if I will ever be ready to embark on this journey of self discovery and of seeking knowledge alone. How can I do that when I barely even know what I do want, let alone what I really feel?

I guess, in order to understand myself, I need to widen and deepen my understanding first of who God created me to be.

I do not want this vulnerability from the unknown…I want certainty, even if it seems like like a strand of hair, my life will easily wither away and fall into sudden displacement anytime.

Those ‘in-betweens’

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It feels like I’m drowning in a plethora of emotions, the ones you can get while riding a roller coaster full of 360 degree turns and vast amount of ups and downs in between. The only problem, it never seems to come to a stop and it tires me out. It exhausts me, until inevitably my will and my nerves would just burst from all the adrenaline rush and most probably suck the life out of me.

I long for a shade of gray. I need a break from all the yes and the nos; a breath of fresh air because it is very tiring to try to live a life full of engagements which later on would become full of solitude. It is very hard to live a life where there is only two possible answers to every problem. I guess, I want a maybe in my life, I can even do an ‘I suppose’, I need an inconsistency.

The logical part of me says that my life is indeed a track of inconsistencies, but my emotional state would not accept facts and probabilities, it wants to dive in the realm of ‘what ifs’. Right now I want to know what it’s like to actually be in the middle and experience the middle neutral portion of my life’s blacks and whites.

I would like to use John Green’s analogy that there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.This is the beauty of inconsistency. This is the wonders of in-betweens, life’s actual what ifs.

But the problem is that the choices that we have today already scratches off the possibility of attaining that ‘in between’ that ‘inconsistency’!

The possibility of living a whole new life and being in the line that separated right and left, the barrier that separates the church and science. The shade of something new and something other than black and white! Why is it so hard to get a glimpse and taste from this extraordinary existence?

Simple, as there is a beauty in inconsistency, there is also an exquisite quality in ambiguity. One doubts whether he or she will ever get the ‘in between’ or the precise shades of black and white. No one ever knows what will happen, as clairvoyance is all but a myth, and it lacks scientific evidence to say otherwise.

No matter how hard we strive to have things go our way, if it is not meant to be then it will never come into existence. The flaw in determination- in my determination – I tend to limit my reality to the outcome that I want to have. All I have are blacks and whites, so it is very hard to reign my emotions because of the unrelenting turns and dips of this roller coaster ride I call my life.

From my own perspective, the only constant thing in my life is the inevitability of not having my desired results because of the way how all dreams tend to ran like sands through the fists that I make.

I guess, this is the fueling mystery of life, how the mechanics of a human’s way of survival destroys the norms that the scientific community has set up.