I long for your sweet caresses and your endearing grunts.
Is it bad if I told you I still can’t believe you’re gone? That every day I visit tatay (grandpa) in that simple yet beautiful house of yours I still imagine the sound of your slippers as you trudge towards me with your welcome and soft arms?
I love you, and I ache for you still.
I just miss you so much. You were both my grandmother and my mother when I was a kid because mommy was too busy with work. Sorry if my tantrums lead me to yell at you and threaten you that I will run away…but still, thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Well anyways, I’m in college now and studying to be the best pharmacist there is. Unbelievable right? Don’t laugh at me we both know that it is inevitable that I take on mom’s footsteps. I even go to her university!
But actually, I just remembered how I felt like a genius when I was still your personal nurse-ish during my high school years. Those times when I had to go home early from a sleep-over just to watch and take care of you when you were rushed to the E.R. and then everyone just decided that I be in-charge of your medicines.
Don’t worry nayni, I’m not blaming you for anything, I was just making you remember all the good times we had. Just want to make you see how wonderful it is here, and somehow by some miracle persuade you to go back home.
I remember the last words I told you and how I said it actually. You called mom about four in the afternoon then when we were still on some vacation far away from you and my littlest sister was talking to you non stop on how fun it was to ride a jet ski. We all laughed at her story while eating french fries and you- well I guess you were walking back and forth , laughing with us. Then, like a force, I felt compelled to just snatch the phone from everyone and laugh at you and say… I love you Nanay.
Never did I know that that would be the last time I hear your beautiful laughter. Or say those three words to you in person- or rather by phone.
Everyone is still grieving. I know because I see it. I see it and feel it everyday.
I see it in aunt N’s eyes whenever she tells me stories of you and their childhood. How you were so brave to face the challenges life throws at you. How strong you were by giving everything you have just to send your six kids to college in the big city and how joyful you looked when they came down the stage diplomas at hand.
I have seen it when mom suddenly broke down daddy’s strong arms repeating ‘no,no tell me the truth, no…’ it was so painful, watching her lash out and just slump on daddy exhausted.
I felt it, with my throat clenching, my eyes blurring and the overwhelming thumping of my crazed heart. I was screaming too I think. But no, I can’t possibly scream because my tears and painful throat prevented that. That was the first time I lost my voice from crying wildly. I remembered then, no one was comforting me because all of us were facing the same pain and suffering. I just felt so alone. So very much like a lost child. I was hugging myself, trapping my body with the feel of my arms to stop myself from collapsing on the floor heaving. It was so painful to resist. Very painful as I felt my nails dig on my flesh to somehow anchor me to what was happening then. And when I felt my veins protruding from my neck, that’s when mama noticed me and embraced me to her. Keeping me steady, even if we both know that, never again…
But of course, nothing could quench the ache in my heart when I see tatay (grandpa). Every time I look into his eyes I see the heartache from his loss. Those beautiful black orbs that once were shining with mischief have now turned dull. I can tell, even if he covers it most of the time with his jokes and antics he misses you…terribly.
I remember, the first few days after you left for that far away Kingdom of yours, I cannot help but glance every minute at the sink to see if another porcelain mug would magically appear next to tatay’s. I would will myself to wake up because I believed that this- reality is only a nightmare. I was willing it to be one, just so I can laugh with you under our mango tree once more.
Never have I felt so alone. You see, you were my savior, my refuge from my parents’ and uncle’s glares. You would always make fun of them for me just to see me laugh and smile again. Afterwards, you would give me some money and then we would both go outside the house to buy some snack- that or go to a relative’s house so you could ‘mingle’ with your own crowd.
I dream of you. I don’t remember much about it but there is this one dream I had of you that i grew to be very fond of. It was right after we got back from our vacation because we learnt about your little trip somewhere far away, where nothing not even the most advanced space ship can reach you. I was at my room with my sister. I prayed to God that He let me see and talk to you one more time, just once more; and i can’t believe it happened.
He answered my prayer.
I remember walking through a series of corridors. Everything there was so bright and just so pure of the color white. I didn’t know where i was going, I just felt like I need to walk and walk and walk. Suddenly, there was this horizontal glass window like that from a hospital’s ICU, I was nervous to peek at what’s inside, but I resisted the feeling and chanced a glance at what’s hiding behind that window. I was speechless…it was you nanay. You were waving at me and smiling, urging me to go inside and hug you. It felt so real, the softness of your arms, the feeling of safety and contentment swallowing me whole. I looked at you and saw that you were somehow on a hospital bed with an IV on your side. It was puzzling, but I felt so happy and a glimmer of hope rose inside me, and I asked you… “Nanay, let’s go back home! They wouldn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe I found you and going home with you. But wait, I’m confused, if you’re here all along in a hospital then who is …” Then nanay, you smiled at me and like that time when I took care of you when you were rushed to the hospital I couldn’t help but smile back. My heart was thumping erratically excited to be with you once more. Then I woke up. The feeling of dread and longing enough to make me swallow a sob and had me rushing outside to check if you were really home and that I was only having another nightmare.
Unfortunately, it seems like I spent all my three wishes for you were still not with me.
Hmmm… I miss you.
I know everyone would never stop missing you because you’re NANAY, you’re the best grandmother ever! No one can beat you.
Don’t worry though, we all still eat our veggies, even aunt N and mommy’s getting the hang of cooking your delicious recipes, but it will never taste the same though. Yours is still, by far the greatest!!! Don’t tell them I said that though!
Well, I just wanted to give you an update as to how things are around here. We all love you, please say Hi and put on good words for us to GOD! I think it will be a long time for me to embrace you and kiss you again.
With all my love,
PS: I’m loving crabs! :* 😀