The Bitter Consuming Flame

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I AM A BITTER LITTLE LADY.

Seriously, I’ve been having this bitterness’ attacks since I entered college. This repulsive feeling has been constricting the happiness out of me, it’s been wrecking abysmal havoc to my once perfect student life.

I guess it’s because of the pride I have in the schools I attended. Maybe because my head is getting big due to having been able to attend schools with very high regard by society and the government; and then during the course of actually looking for the university that will eventually ready me to pursue whatever road I may want in the near future, I chose one which people from my town and family friends frown upon on.

This is so weird. It’s like I’m PMsing about this! During mornings I’m all happiness and energy FOR THE WIN and then BAAAAAM! When dawn comes and I glimpse at something that another school (that did not even look twice in my application) has then all hell breaks loose! I guess it triggers that bitter and childish and immature me hiding behind the fake fake smiles of my own because I want to pose the perfect happy gal just to avoid the vicious and very hurtful ‘If I were yous’ from people I trust most.

Gosh I feel so left out some times. Like my friends are enjoying their teenage lives while I’m still holding on to the pretenses of ‘what should bes’. I am so tired of living like this. It’s like I just want to lash out sometimes and cry so much like the time I got my letter for recall at a certain university because apparently I did not make the ‘cut’. Most people might say that I’m being stupid and should just shut up but seriously try to live like me. I want to tell people that some times, I like to challenge them to live in my own shoes for once…they wouldn’t last a day or week tops.

No one ever seems to understand me. No one bothers to listen to me, they just want ME to listen to THEM and not the other way around. It hurts too you know, even though I only allow smiles to grace my face I want someone to please please break through my exterior for once and save me from this hell hole I alone had dug.

This is the reason why I study so hard. Why I strive to get the best grades. Why I cry easily when I get low scores in quizzes. My block mates don’t know that, they don’t realize that. They only think of me as that girl who loves books and knows her way around chemistry.  They don’t know that I’m doing all of that for a sense of retribution- I punish myself and sacrifice enjoying and living the life of a teen and hanging out after school with my friends because I feel like I haven’t made my parents and anyone for that matter proud of me.

All that because of a school. Just how messed up is this world? Is MY world?!

I know that I am very fortunate to be studying at all and that I shouldn’t pity myself because there are millions of people out there who would love to be in my shoes right now. But this is just me. This is a story of envy, self-hate and discrimination from peers. This is MY own burden where most teens I know knows the feeling. I have no qualms about my school and all but I just can’t help but be hurt. After all, I am still a human and an emotional teenager who wants to be heard and not criticized for ever single action I take.

I tried explaining it to my friends and I choked. I can;t seem to tell them because they NEVER listen! NO ONE EVER DOES. They don’t want to be burdened with my own dramas that’s why I turn to blogging. So somehow I can have a sort of EMERGENCY EXIT when everything piles up and threatens to spill from my very core. This sucks…big time.

But I never have and never will give up on hoping and praying. I will never stop from finding the ‘bright’  side of this whole dilemma I’m in. Even if it hurts so much…I still try to hold on to HIS promise that HE allowed all of this to happen to me because I have the strength to conquer this life. I will trust HIM when He say (In Ecclessiastes) “Have reverence for the LORD your GOD, you will be successful anyway.”

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