I hate that gut-wrenching feeling on my heartstrings whenever I see how far my best girlfriends are on their lives. I feel like I’m some kind of Carmen Lowell from the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants who was just waiting for something in her life to happen. (AND NO I DID NOT JUST WATCH THE MOVIE! I just miss my friends like REALLY!)
Like Carmen, it’s like my friends have this huge thing happening in their lives and they’re ready to move forward and make new memories and friends that can actually help them build a victorious future in this crazy asylum world. While I’m still me, although I think I’m a lot more mature now because I told myself that they’re not gonna be here anymore all the time to catch me when I fall or push me when I’m crying– on the asphalt road, head first, to knock some sense into me. But point is, I’m still trying hard to put everything back to the way they were before! I want to keep them all to myself because I don’t want to grow up and face reality on my own and be forgotten! And that’s what scares me the most, the fact that someday they might forget about me. That they have this huge opportunities that will open new doors for them and keep it firmly locked so I cannot enter. The fact that they are gonna be so busy focusing on the innovations in their world that they will rarely have time to spend with poor little me.
What can I say, I’m a girl who just want to return to her comfort zone. It’s a little annoying and exhausting to keep on living in a world where everything and everyone is a mystery. It’s like I’m in another planet by myself and surrounded by aliens and I have to be careful with everything because one just doesn’t know how long these aliens are gonna keep their hands from tearing me off to bits and pieces.
It’s ironic how my horoscope says I should be careful because I’m too trusting with strangers when I myself don’t want to be around them in the first place! When I just keep on striving on waking up in an ungodly hour (5am is too much for me) and then push myself further on trying to keep a friendly and bright facade on the exterior just to fool everybody into thinking that I will be fine. I’m okay. I’m always happy. I just don’t want ANYONE except my best friends to prod on my life. I don’t want to be exposed rather I don’t want to be vulnerable to friends I made within a year. I don’t know why, but sometimes I’d like to keep the stronghold walls around me. Even if sometimes I want to break them and let people in, I still tend to mend the lines jarring my walls…still confining myself in a universe where I’m still very much inside my comfort zone goofing around with my best buddies. Where nothing and no one can ever come between us.
Sounds a little mental I know, but with hundreds of million insane people in this asylum it’s inevitable that I catch the contagious disease of stupidity and foolishness. I’m fucked up, but you can’t say it’s not real. Everyone has their issues, I know, I deal with them every day.
I just wish that sometimes that envious and jealous side of me would go away. I’m trying hard to keep my inner demons at bay, but it seems the harder I suppress it, the greater it fights back. But no worries though, it’s not like I’m good at Uchiha Kung Fu and crazy like Madara to murder people or anything. Umm, no thanks, thank you very much but I’d like to keep my slate clean. I might not jump on the sight of blood, but I don’t ever swing that way.
Maybe I can just break a little hole for my hands to fit in, and maybe in some weird way be able to shake hands with strangers and finally finally let them in. It’s a long shot, but I’d like to try it. I’d like to become a new me- not requiring lypo or any of those stupid cosmetics stuff…nah those are a waste f money. I just want to become more mature and more out going. I want to prove m parents and others wrong. I want to make them see that I am a brave and courageous person ready to take on the giant monster and come home unscathed and a victor.
Its time to break these walls.