Monthly Archives: February 2014

#771 Psalm 23 – Contented Sheep

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I want to make a courageous step forward and proudly tell the world that I SHALL NOT WANT for I have MY PERFECTLY wonderful and powerful FATHER with me 🙂

At the Father's Feet

Good Day Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

When we know the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, Lord, and consequently Good Shepherd, we can make a positive statement as David did in the first verse of Psalm 23:  “I shall not want.”  This is a bold statement by David, made with complete confidence that His Lord cares for him to the extent that he need not worry for or about anything.  It is a clear indication that David loved his Lord, trusted Him, and was totally satisfied to be one of His sheep.  Is it any different for us today?  As our Shepherd, He cares for us in a way that is totally sufficient, giving us the ability to be content in His care to the extent that we really do not desire anything more.  And further, being content in His care, we should have the desire to let everyone…

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The Bitter Consuming Flame

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I AM A BITTER LITTLE LADY.

Seriously, I’ve been having this bitterness’ attacks since I entered college. This repulsive feeling has been constricting the happiness out of me, it’s been wrecking abysmal havoc to my once perfect student life.

I guess it’s because of the pride I have in the schools I attended. Maybe because my head is getting big due to having been able to attend schools with very high regard by society and the government; and then during the course of actually looking for the university that will eventually ready me to pursue whatever road I may want in the near future, I chose one which people from my town and family friends frown upon on.

This is so weird. It’s like I’m PMsing about this! During mornings I’m all happiness and energy FOR THE WIN and then BAAAAAM! When dawn comes and I glimpse at something that another school (that did not even look twice in my application) has then all hell breaks loose! I guess it triggers that bitter and childish and immature me hiding behind the fake fake smiles of my own because I want to pose the perfect happy gal just to avoid the vicious and very hurtful ‘If I were yous’ from people I trust most.

Gosh I feel so left out some times. Like my friends are enjoying their teenage lives while I’m still holding on to the pretenses of ‘what should bes’. I am so tired of living like this. It’s like I just want to lash out sometimes and cry so much like the time I got my letter for recall at a certain university because apparently I did not make the ‘cut’. Most people might say that I’m being stupid and should just shut up but seriously try to live like me. I want to tell people that some times, I like to challenge them to live in my own shoes for once…they wouldn’t last a day or week tops.

No one ever seems to understand me. No one bothers to listen to me, they just want ME to listen to THEM and not the other way around. It hurts too you know, even though I only allow smiles to grace my face I want someone to please please break through my exterior for once and save me from this hell hole I alone had dug.

This is the reason why I study so hard. Why I strive to get the best grades. Why I cry easily when I get low scores in quizzes. My block mates don’t know that, they don’t realize that. They only think of me as that girl who loves books and knows her way around chemistry.  They don’t know that I’m doing all of that for a sense of retribution- I punish myself and sacrifice enjoying and living the life of a teen and hanging out after school with my friends because I feel like I haven’t made my parents and anyone for that matter proud of me.

All that because of a school. Just how messed up is this world? Is MY world?!

I know that I am very fortunate to be studying at all and that I shouldn’t pity myself because there are millions of people out there who would love to be in my shoes right now. But this is just me. This is a story of envy, self-hate and discrimination from peers. This is MY own burden where most teens I know knows the feeling. I have no qualms about my school and all but I just can’t help but be hurt. After all, I am still a human and an emotional teenager who wants to be heard and not criticized for ever single action I take.

I tried explaining it to my friends and I choked. I can;t seem to tell them because they NEVER listen! NO ONE EVER DOES. They don’t want to be burdened with my own dramas that’s why I turn to blogging. So somehow I can have a sort of EMERGENCY EXIT when everything piles up and threatens to spill from my very core. This sucks…big time.

But I never have and never will give up on hoping and praying. I will never stop from finding the ‘bright’  side of this whole dilemma I’m in. Even if it hurts so much…I still try to hold on to HIS promise that HE allowed all of this to happen to me because I have the strength to conquer this life. I will trust HIM when He say (In Ecclessiastes) “Have reverence for the LORD your GOD, you will be successful anyway.”

Terrified to be Forgotten

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I hate that gut-wrenching feeling on my heartstrings whenever I see how far my best girlfriends are on their lives. I feel like I’m some kind of Carmen Lowell from the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants who was just waiting for something in her life to happen. (AND NO I DID NOT JUST WATCH THE MOVIE! I just miss my friends like REALLY!)

Like Carmen, it’s like my friends have this huge thing happening in their lives and they’re ready to move forward and make new memories and friends that can actually help them build a victorious future in this crazy asylum world. While I’m still me, although I think I’m a lot more mature now because I told myself that they’re not gonna be here anymore all the time to catch me when I fall or push me when I’m crying– on the asphalt road, head first, to knock some sense into me. But point is, I’m still trying hard to put everything back to the way they were before! I want to keep them all to myself because I don’t want to grow up and face reality on my own and be forgotten! And that’s what scares me the most, the fact that someday they might forget about me. That they have this huge opportunities that will open new doors for them and keep it firmly locked so I cannot enter. The fact that they are gonna be so busy focusing on the innovations in their world that they will rarely have time to spend with poor little me.

What can I say, I’m a girl who just want to return to her comfort zone. It’s a little annoying and exhausting to keep on living in a world where everything and everyone is a mystery. It’s like I’m in another planet by myself and surrounded by aliens and I have to be careful with everything because one just doesn’t know how long these aliens are gonna keep their hands from tearing me off to bits and pieces.

It’s ironic how my horoscope says I should be careful because I’m too trusting with strangers when I myself don’t want to be around them in the first place! When I just keep on striving on waking up in an ungodly hour (5am is too much for me) and then push myself further on trying to keep a friendly and bright facade on the exterior just to fool everybody into thinking that I will be fine. I’m okay. I’m always happy. I just don’t want ANYONE except my best friends to prod on my life. I don’t want to be exposed rather I don’t want to be vulnerable to friends I made within a year. I don’t know why, but sometimes I’d like to keep the stronghold walls around me. Even if sometimes I want to break them and let people in, I still tend to mend the lines jarring my walls…still confining myself in a universe where I’m still very much inside my comfort zone goofing around with my best buddies. Where nothing and no one can ever come between us.

Sounds a little mental I know, but with hundreds of million insane people in this asylum it’s inevitable that I catch the contagious disease of stupidity and foolishness. I’m fucked up, but you can’t say it’s not real. Everyone has their issues, I know, I deal with them every day.

I just wish that sometimes that envious and jealous side of me would go away. I’m trying hard to keep my inner demons at bay, but it seems the harder I suppress it, the greater it fights back. But no worries though, it’s not like I’m good at Uchiha Kung Fu and crazy like Madara to murder people or anything. Umm, no thanks, thank you very much but I’d like to keep my slate clean. I might not jump on the sight of blood, but I don’t ever swing that way.

Maybe I can just break a little hole for my hands to fit in, and maybe in some weird way be able to shake hands with strangers and finally finally let them in. It’s a long shot, but I’d like to try it. I’d like to become a new me- not requiring lypo or any of those stupid cosmetics stuff…nah those are a waste f money. I just want to become more mature and more out going. I want to prove m parents and others wrong. I want to make them see that I am a brave and courageous person ready to take on the giant monster and come home unscathed and a victor.

Its time to break these walls.

Don’t Overdo it!

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VDAY! It's that time of the year again where lovesick puppies begin their chase on their tails once more! Good luck sickos!

VDAY! It’s that time of the year again where lovesick puppies begin their chase on their tails once more! Good luck sickos!

Dear overkill,

I hate going to dictionaries when doing essays so no; I’m not here to define love and VD (coz of the pic)  in a typical fashion with a bunch of cliche lines like “love is blind” or “love hurts” because I’m not that naive, and frankly those stuff seem repulsive to me. Just read because I really don’t know what I’m going to say this time, I just know I have to at least post something because am gonna be busy this week. That and maybe gain some readers who cares so much about romantic sappy balls.

Hmm, I guess I’ll start with the boring loneliness this day…it’s just a typical Sunday where I curse my bloody body clock for waking me up at 5:30 in the morning! As usual I checked my facebook and found it full of lovesick people who gives two shits on Valentines. Harsh I know and I’m not bitter either, actually I already got myself a fair share of chocolate and flowers for my past VDays thank you very much (granted it’s not from suitors and all those crazy eeky stuff). But the sanctity of the day lost its meaning to me.

I’m not about to break down and put a sob story here since I do not have any kind of those embedded in my memory, rather I just think this generation of couples are losing their touch. It’s been stereotypical I think, everyone’s been repeating the same process of giving flowers and chocolates to people they say they love, but after that day then what?!

They don’t even say those three special words- well most of the delusional teenagers that is. Before when February 14 comes it really feels like love is in the air! Not because of the flowers one receives and the pretenses of love letters made by delusional teens, no! It’s because of the thought that people actually take time and enough effort to make that certain day special for their partners. People then actually said ‘I love you’ sincerely and only to the person they know they’re gonna spend eternity with. Before, people spend VD with only one person for the rest of their lives.

I remember how my dad used to wake up early in the morning and connive with me and my sis on how to surprise my mom. We’d quietly trudge down the stairs and prepare a delightful breakfast for my mom. How we wake her up by snuggling with her and giggling and urging her to wake up and go downstairs; and when she lays her eyes on the specially prepared dining table her eyes would have that beautiful shine in them. Her lips would move up and I swear it’s like we can hear her heartbeat. And then my dad will giver her a single red rose freshly picked from the garden and tell her those three words that  always make her melt before kissing her abruptly on the lips teasing me and my sister. Both shouting our protest on how yucky they both are being. That’s what I know of love. It’s the effort you put on something to make that precious person of yours smile and melt in happiness and warmth. It’s a homey feeling not that lust everybody nowadays are busy thinking.

It’s not the scents of flowers in the air, but the scent of sweat and the amazing feeling of goosebumps making you shiver and the smiles of couples enough to lit up the universe!

A little over the top I know, but at least before everyone was sincere in voicing out their real feelings! Unlike today, when people spend VD with different douche bags and slut bags every year. It’s like a game now; like an amazing race on getting the most dates and getting laid in the process. People like these stained the perfect image of le day of le hearts.

No love no shame. No guts no glory!

YEAH!

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see a VD filled with the sincerity of love and happiness exuded by literally everyone on this planet. Maybe I’m just expecting too much from everyone. Maybe I’m such a perfectionist and a little bit obsessed with trying to turn things into the way they were before. Maybe I’m just afraid of the changes happening around me because I’m terrified of being left out.

I don’t know, and the reality is, I never will. Just have to wait and see how each day goes. But whatever I’m babbling here and I’m losing my touch. Just get your ass up on VDay and stop yourself from buying overly prized flowers and chocolates and just go for EFFORT!

It’s not the amount that counts, it’s the thought. Remember that and keep your wallet inside a well locked voltage this coming 14th! :p

– wallcrawl