So you know who you are, you know what happened, and you also know what did not.
There was once a time when we could have had a fighting chance you know. And there are thousands of ‘what ifs’ circling in my mind right now. I kept on playing all the possible clues that we have thrown each other back and forth for how long, and only now can I see the most obvious ones…
How you always made fun of me or with me; how you kept on telling everyone that we have a thing for each other; how you told everyone that we were together; how you would crack jokes and say nice things when I’m on my ‘bitch rampage’; how you always finish our reports in time; how you began inserting small innuendos in our chats; and just- basically all the simple acts of kindness that never failed to make my heart flutter.
And that beautifully tragic confession was the key that opened my mind to think back on every single reaction I had with your ‘sweet nothings’.
Contrary to popular belief, I never got angry with your teasing, I actually adored them. I loved every moment I had your attention; it made me feel like the most important girl in that room.
You got through my ‘bitch mode’ thanks to your jokes. Your jokes – even if most of them were directed at me or my friends – brought color to my black & white collage of the college world around me. I treasured them because you amazed me with your wit!
Your sudden ‘I love you guys’ chats, in my mind I crossed out the last word. Your ‘I miss you’ chats and texts, I just gave you HAHAs in return because I didn’t know how to tell you ‘I do too’ so fucking bad! It came to the point that every break, I would wait anxiously for your name to pop up on my screen even if it was just a mid-Holiday project. I don’t know why but I felt pathetically special every time.
But one message that I will never forget and for a long time regret would be the time when you told me that you guys ‘broke up’.
I hate myself that night because the first emotion I had was elation. I was actually happy you got your heart broken. My heart started to beat enthusiastically once more, but of course, my mind just has to have a bigger logical area inside it and smaller emotional one. I was about to jump the gun, but you added that freaking sad emoji and implied your pain, so of course, being the one who never wanted you to feel that emotion ever again, I decided to throw the gun in a very deep well, crush whatever is left of my heart, and give you a ‘have you thought your decision through’ kind of speech. I advised you to rethink your decision because you guys were happy together (from my viewpoint). You don’t know how badly I just wanted to thump my head against the wall that time.
And so, when break ended, so did yours.
Whenever you directed your crazy-ass smiles at me, I would laugh and immediately tell you off because I might stare long and you might realize how much of an effect you had on me. I could not hold your stares for too long (remember that staring contest we played?) because I’m terrified of what you would read in my own. I was scared because I know you already had my friend’s heart (even if you gave it back to her) and I also knew you gave it back because you had a much more special someone for you. I was so scared because I did not want to have mine trampled on all over again like what it’s been through in the past.
So, I kept all these unnecessary feelings bottled up, and tried to throw it towards a black hole. But, as you can see, I wasn’t really successful. If I were, we wouldn’t be in this kind of dilemma.
All our sweet-nothings, and small moments, they were all so beautiful. I’m not a firm believer of ‘past lives’ and ‘reincarnations’ but you struck a chord in me that reverberated a sound so achingly familiar that I had to question myself hundreds of times, have we met before? And if we had, what happened? Did we finally get what we wanted? Was there even a lifetime that we ended up together?
I hope there was. I hope we at least had a glimpse of happily ever after even once in the lives that the universe graciously gave us.
I tried conjuring up a million reasons why we didn’t work out; why we let each other down; and why we had to resort to what we did: nip the bud before it has time to grow and overwhelm us both.
There are about 7 billion people in this world, and the one I had to choose to pour out my feelings to, it just has to be the one guy who can never be mine.
Why does the world seem so cruel? Why are there people around me – some older, mostly younger – who already found their perfect match? What act of kindness did they show in their past lives to get what they have today?
But even if I repeatedly questioned the universe, I know I would never find the true reason that would be believable enough for me…at least for right now.
Society led me to believe that we people are a lot like geometrical lines. We own our own line, and there will come a time that we will intersect with other people- either for a brief period or a longer one if the Creator gave us similar slope values. There are also ones who are forever parallel with each other. Always so close to touching, but lacking the power to traverse that distance all the while.
I for one believe that we are parallel lines. So you can understand, that even if we tried so hard to cross the distance and be united, due to a natural law that is much bigger than both of us, we could never make it.
Maybe, we were parallel lines that almost got close. Maybe, we even unknowingly found a way to abolish that law and intersect with each other. Maybe, the universe had let us close that distance so we could learn and we could reassess and fix ourselves all on our own ~ so we can go back to the parallel lines that we once were and forever will be.
There are too many possibilities that are tempting to think of…but they would only prolong the agony.
I’m sorry for each of these possibilities that I never had the courage to act on.
I’m sorry for what we have to endure.
I’m sorry because I didn’t listen to that small voice that seem to always say ‘he likes you; he loves you’.
I’m sorry because now, we might never see our own beautiful happily ever-after.
I’m sorry because after confessing our deepest and most tragic secrets, we have to push them aside once again.
I’m sorry, because when I told you I’d put you in my blog and insinuated it as the first time I’d do it, I lied. Because in every story and every heart-felt article, you were always there. You were always in-between the lines. Your presence is strategically woven in my words…but these articles, they never saw past the ‘blog posts’ section on my application. I’m sorry because I never had the courage to publish them.
I’m sorry for the act of cowardice, on both our parts that I tried to blame you for, that cost us to end our magnificent story right from the beginning.
I’m sorry because we can never be a normal couple. We tasted forever in a moment, but we will endure on the absence of one another forever.
So, this is my good-bye.
This is the time I finally stay true to my words that I would- I will ‘move on’. This time, I will let go.
Here’s to you, the guy that can be but never will be, thank you.
Thank you for evoking and awakening these feelings inside me. You made me realize that I can be loved too. Even if what we had was only a fleeting moment of happiness, it was enough to make me feel special; to make me feel what it’s like to be treasured and seen as someone more than a friend.
Thank you for allowing me a moment to finally break down my walls and bare myself open to you.
Thank you for reading the contents of my soul.
Thank you for a glimpse of a love that consumes.
Thank you for the requited love that I will forever cherish but always regret.
And here’s to us: may we find a love at the right place, at the right time, and with the right person.
PS: I think you already have. Cherish her.